


The Ballgowninator Waltz

by radondoran



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Crossdressing, Episode Sequel, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2012-07-08
Packaged: 2017-11-09 10:57:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radondoran/pseuds/radondoran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Doofenshmirtz re-invents the Ballgowninator in order to humiliate his brother.  All does not go according to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ballgowninator Waltz

**Author's Note:**

> Translation into 日本語 available: [ドレスネーター・ワルツ](http://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=3205063) by gurugurucutie
> 
> * * *

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz paced in front of the DEI balloon docked in his lair and looked at his watch again. Six fifty-eight. Perry the Platypus should be here in less than two minutes. Not enough time to get involved in anything else, only to wait. Heinz had spent most of the day waiting, actually. He had called Major Monogram that morning to say that it was more of an evening-y scheme today, and Perry the Platypus really shouldn't bother showing up and trying to thwart it until seven or so. But he wasn't sure if Perry the Platypus would go for that or not, so he'd spent most of the morning glancing out the windows waiting for him to show up. At least he'd had plenty of time to ready the balloon, tweak the inator, and edit and re-edit his evil scheme monologue.

There was a sound of a key in the lock. Perry the Platypus! Heinz rushed for a swivel chair, hoping to pull off that cool slowly-turn-to-face-the-hero thing. Unfortunately, he rushed at it a little too enthusiastically, tipped it over, and spun off. When Perry the Platypus entered, Heinz was lying in a heap on the floor.

Perry the Platypus stood by the door for a moment, giving him time to compose himself. He stood up, knocked the dust from his trousers (he really needed to vacuum soon), and cleared his throat.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus. How _punctual_. And by punctual I mean completely... No, wait, can I start again? Forget it, the moment is gone." Recovering, he drew the remote from his pocket and activated it. A platform rose from the floor, accompanied by copious fog from a hidden fog machine. The glass top opened and Heinz lifted out a small ray gun.

"Behold!" he cried. "The Ballgowninator II!" He pronounced it "eye eye".

Perry the Platypus looked unimpressed.

"Yeah, it's--it's actually exactly the same as the old Ballgowninator, it's just that you destroyed that one, so I had to build a new one. Thus, the Ballgowninator II!"

Perry the Platypus lunged for the inator, but again Heinz zapped him in mid-motion and he tripped over the long skirt of his ball gown. It was, Heinz noted, the same elegant, iridescent blue dress Perry the Platypus had worn before; apparently, the Ballgowninator's personalized tailoring capacities went as far as color and style. Again the automatic arms emerged from above the basket of the waiting balloon and secured Perry firmly. 

"Ooh," Heinz giggled, "it's like déjà vu! Which is French for, you're trapped! Again."

Perry growled.

"What's that? Why would I use the same inator twice? Well, first of all, I worked really hard inventing this one, and I like it, it seemed like a shame to let it go to waste." Heinz opened the roof as he spoke.

"Second, I figured out where I went wrong with the Ballgowninator I. My original plan was too vague. I mean, zap every man in the Tri-State Area? Don't get me wrong, it would make me manlier. By comparison. But then it occurred to me that I'd really lost sight of my goals. To rule the Tri-State Area, I don't actually have to be the manliest man in it, you know? I just have to oust my brother from power--you remember my brother Roger? The mayor of Danville?"

He glanced over at Perry the Platypus. "Okay. And really if you think about it it's Roger's fault that I had to wear dresses anyway, so... Long story short, I'm gonna zap Roger with the Ballgowninator II. And what better place to do it than at tonight's Tri-State Area Politicians' Ball? Everyone who's anyone will be there. I'll humiliate Roger in front of the voters and all the important dignitaries, he'll be forced out of office, blah blah blah, next of kin, I'll just waltz in and take over! Literally! Because he'll be... at a... a ball, and there'll be, you know, waltzing."

Perry's stern look did not waver.

"Nothing? Fine, be that way." He climbed into the basket and unmoored the balloon. "Here we go!" And they rose into the sky.

Heinz kept an eye on Perry the Platypus while they drifted over towards the Politicians' Ball, but he wasn't too worried. Perry the Platypus usually didn't seem to bother to escape until it was absolutely necessary--that was the way he played the game.

The winds carried them to the ball on schedule according to Heinz's calculations, just before Roger was to go on. The venue was a sprawling garden estate from the nineteen-twenties, its trees and bushes all decked out in soft white lights. At the east end of the garden was a pavilion surrounded by Ionic columns covered in moonflower vines, and at one side of this was a three-story building with a grand staircase leading down to the dance floor. It was atop this staircase that the guests of honor would make their entrances, Roger among them.

Heinz anchored the balloon with a grappling hook to a neighboring building, and took a spyglass from his lab-coat pocket to look for Roger.

"Now, then, where is he...? Whoa!" He ducked. Perry the Platypus had begun to swing back and forth in his shackles with the obvious aim of blinding Heinz with his skirts. Again.

"Ah ah ah!" Heinz chided. He pressed another button on the remote in his pocket. A clamp emerged from the balloon's basket and caught Perry the Platypus by the hem of his gown. "Didn't think I'd think of that, did you? But I did. And now nothing can stop me! Nyeah!" He stuck out his tongue.

Perry the Platypus growled.

Heinz returned his attention to the spyglass and caught sight of Roger adjusting his bow tie through the third-story window. With a final triumphant glance at Perry the Platypus, he aimed the Ballgowninator II and fired.

"Well, this is strange," came Roger's voice from inside.

"You're on!" hissed his secretary.

"Roger Doofenshmirtz, the mayor of Danville," the footman announced.

"This is it!" Heinz put down the inator, rubbed his hands together eagerly and leaned on the edge of the basket for a better look. Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz emerged at the top of the steps. He wore a stunning gown of deep red silk that exposed one strong shoulder. The bodice draped flatteringly over his fit torso, and the skirt swept in a graceful A-line to the floor. The outfit was topped off with black opera gloves and a diamond necklace.

Thus attired, Roger began to walk down towards the pavilion, his skirt trailing slightly on the steps behind him. Everyone paused to look up at him as he entered, and then...

It was the last thing in the world that Heinz would have expected. It wasn't what he'd intended, certainly, but it wasn't as though he was used to his schemes turning out as he'd intended. What he had half-expected was some kind of catastrophic backfire, some weird twist by which his scheme would make Roger more popular. Wasn't that how it usually went? He would have been prepared for cries of "Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz is sending a message!" "Mayor Roger Doofenshmirtz is so progressive!" "Four more years!"

But this... This was something even stranger: a total non-reaction. Everyone glanced up to take in Roger's entrance, and then returned their attention to their dates or their drinks. Conversation lulled at the announcement and then returned to its former level, without any hint of laughter or scandalized whispers.

"I don't--I don't get it!" Heinz protested aloud to Perry the Platypus. "Can you believe this? He's pulling it off! They're not subjecting him to mockery and scorn at all! He's just walking around making small talk like nothing's even different! I mean, look at--did the governor just ask him to dance?? Curse you, incredibly accepting populace!"

At that moment an unexpected puff of wind jarred the balloon. Heinz had lifted his arm from the basket to shake his fist at the populace, and now he lost his balance and pitched over the side.

Perry the Platypus moved quickly. Heinz was never sure how he escaped from traps so easily, but he was grateful for it now--he always escaped just in the nick of time, he thought again. Perry went for the Ballgowninator II and fired.

Heinz's fall was abruptly slowed by voluminous skirts; once again in a seafoam green ball gown, he drifted gently downwards. The Ballgowninator II fell past him and exploded on the ground outside the garden walls, shooting one last ray into the sky as it did so. But Heinz didn't have time to mourn the failure of his latest invention; the wind had slanted the path of his descent, and in a minute he landed among the ball guests on the pavilion.

He got a few odd looks for having fallen out of the sky, but, he was surprised to find, apparently none for his attire. So it wasn't just Roger's charisma that had saved him from the teasing of Heinz's childhood. Still, Heinz didn't plan to stick around and wait for it. Trying to look inconspicuous, he looked around for an exit. 

He caught sight of a refreshments table. Well, that was where he usually gravitated at parties anyway. He made his way over to it, but just as he was about to help himself to punch, he dropped the ladle at the sound of Roger's voice behind him:

"Heinz, you made it! Nice ball gown."

Heinz turned to greet Roger and his secretary, somewhat at a loss. How were you supposed to behave toward someone when your plan against them had failed? "Uh, thanks. You too, I guess."

"Melanie, you remember my brother Heinz."

Melanie, Heinz noticed for the first time, was looking dapper in nicely tailored black-tie attire. "Yeah, hi," she said, blasé as always.

"Hi." Just as Heinz was wondering how he could get out of there, the band struck up an old Drusselstinian waltz. Roger listened for a moment and then turned to him.

"Heinz, would you care to dance?"

Heinz stared. But he knew when he was beaten. His plan to humiliate Roger had been a total loss. And with Roger already dressed like that, what more could he hope to do? What the heck. When in Rome-- "Yeah, okay."

"I'll lead," they said together.

"I'm older," Heinz insisted. "I get to lead."

"Ah, but I'm taller."

"You are not!"

"Besides," said Roger smugly, "I am a natural leader."

"But--"

"And anyway, Heinz, you know you have two left feet."

That was true. Well, he'd already been defeated once tonight. Heinz sighed and let himself be led. As they drifted onto the dance floor in a swish of skirts, he muttered, "I'm still taller."

"You haven't been taller since I was fourteen. Oh--watch out." He steered Heinz away from the British Ambassador and her husband, nodding at her as they passed.

Heinz had always liked this song. He remembered Mama singing it as she knitted the dresses that had set this night in motion in the first place. Now it made him feel almost nostalgic--nostalgic for a homeland and a childhood that he'd largely hated at the time. He didn't catch himself humming along until Roger joined in. They both stopped with a smile and finished the waltz in silence, just listening and feeling each beat until the band wound down the last measure.

"That was fun," Heinz admitted. "But I should probably get going--"

"Nonsense!" said Roger. "Why, the party's hardly started! Come on, I'll introduce you to some people. I know everyone."

"I--I'm not sure if--"

"Laura! Beth! Hello there!"

Heinz followed him reluctantly, and found himself in a group of five women ranging in age from their twenties to their forties. Two wore cocktail dresses, and none of them had a ball gown as fancy as those of the Doofenshmirtz brothers. All of them looked like they were having a good time.

Each of the women had a warm greeting for Mayor Doofenshmirtz--but then, Heinz already knew that everybody loved Roger. "Heinz, this is Laura, Beth, Janice, Patsy, and Crystal," said Roger, indicating each of them in turn. "They're all clerks at City Hall. Girls, this is my brother Heinz."

"Um, hi."

"Hi, Heinz!" said Crystal, the youngest.

"That is a wonderful gown," said Patsy. "Where did you find it?"

"Oh, I--I guess I sort of made it myself," said Heinz. "Although Perry the Platypus is the one who actually shot me with the inator..."

A chorus of amazement from the women.

"How did you get the skirt to puff out like that?" Crystal asked.

"Are you wearing a crinoline cage?" asked Beth.

"Well, actually, I couldn't get the inator to do crinolines, so I had to get creative with petticoats and tulle."

"Wow!" said Beth and Janice.

"You're kidding!" said Laura, clapping him on the shoulder.

"I'm not, I'm not, though!" Heinz laughed. He had joined their circle, and now he leaned forward to gesticulate as he spoke. "It was actually pretty simple, once I figured out the molecular properties of..."

While he was talking, Roger slipped away and left them to it. Heinz stayed and discoursed with the group about ball gowns--he had become something of an expert on the subject. Later he danced with all five of them, and with some of their other friends, men and women alike. 

Near the end of the evening, when he had slipped away from the current group to get some punch, Heinz felt a tug at his skirt. He looked down. 

"Ah, Perry the Platypus." Perry had abandoned his ball gown when he'd escaped, but his usual fedora was formal enough for the occasion. "Thanks for, you know, saving me earlier. Hey, you want to know something weird?" Heinz added, in a confidential tone. "I've actually been enjoying myself tonight."

Perry the Platypus smiled, and glanced towards the dance floor.

"Sure, all right," said Heinz. "But I get to lead."

Perry the Platypus rolled his eyes.

**Fin**

\---

**Coda:**

"I can't believe you got us tickets to a ball," said Melvin, "and you forgot to buy a ball gown!"

"I'm not allowed to forget something once in a while?" protested Estelle. "You forget things all the time!"

"Yes, and you always give me grief about it. Now it's my turn! What did you think, a ball gown was just going to fall out of the sky?"

At that moment, a ray reflected off the Tri-State Area Geosynchronous Satellite and zapped Melvin, leaving him in a puffy-skirted emerald ball gown.

He and Estelle looked at it for a moment.

"I don't think this will fit you," he said.


End file.
